Team HR Nuggets

Team HR Presents: According To Dale

Obviously, as is common with most young boys, a dad can easily seem to rise to the ranks of ‘Hero’ status. Now take that ‘Hero’ level and add a Japanese KZ-series Superbike with a custom airbrushed gas tank, mahogany leather jacket and full face jet-black helmet. Your ‘Hero’ of a dad just got upgraded to ‘Dale’ status.

Team HR Presents: ‘According To Dale’

Dale wants you to recognize that the new deck attachment for his riding mower shreds and mulches leaves simultaneously. While you’re wasting hours raking and bagging, Dale is in 5th gear laughing his way to the nearest couch. Dale might be cordial to your face if he sees you fooling around with a rake, but silently he is ridiculing you and your lineage in his mind. Later, while on vacation, he might mention you to a casual acquaintance in a conversation on either ‘failed lawn-care’ or ‘idiots’ in general.

The ‘Scream/Laugh’

Select a subject. Make a humorous observation about the subject. Turn to face the subject, leaning heavily into their personal space (typically, about 12 inches from their face). Stare directly at their eyes (mutual eye contact is not necessary). Pretend you are a collective audience reacting to the humorous observation you just made. Gather a generous amount of oxygen into the lungs. Exhale a loud scream that is chased by a brief, violent laugh. Repeat this in intervals of 10 minutes.

Kyle invented and perfected the Scream/Laugh throughout the course of 2000-2002. Though this was considered completely debilitating by everyone Kyle harassed, Dale was not phased at all.

According to Dale: ‘Get Some Gas’

At the time, I was working at the small shack-on-a-hill in Stuarts Draft know as TV-17. Hubley was not employed by the station at the time, but was present under an unpaid ‘wing man’ position. It was a weird shift, if I remember, culminating in a very late-night end time. I was driving Dale’s ‘91 Chevy S-10 4x4 and I apparently hadn’t checked the gas gage for a real long time. Needless to say, we completely ran out of gas the moment we hit the bottom of the hill. I was able to coast the truck into a closed gas station parking lot. Kyle and I then reluctantly called home and woke up Dale for help. Here’s a loose transcript of the call… Us: “Dad, can you come pick us up? We just ran out of gas.” Dale: “well, shit…where are you?” Us: “We’re at a gas station in Stuarts Draft…” (pause) Dale: (dumbstruck, with a tinge of ‘my sons are complete idiots’ in his voice) “WELL-GET-SOME-GAS!”

PAST CLASSICS: Dale’s Glare

I look at this picture and even though I’m ‘in the oven,’ I feel like Dale is looking right through the camera lens at me in the future. He might be simply rehearsing his look here, but even to my discerning eyes, this is the polished signature glare that would greet Kyle and I after every dumb-ass move we would make from age 1 to present day. You would think that properly conditioned hair would detract from the potency of a look like this, but it clearly only enhances it.

Team HR Presents: ‘According to Dale’

Dale designed this puppy himself. I think he got tired of trying to find a house in our area that ‘wasn’t designed by a dumb-ass,’ so he commissioned himself to draw up blueprints for what you see here. He agreed to pay himself a case of Milwaukee’s Best and a Reese Cup as compensation. He made good on that promise. You can find him today inside this house still making good on that promise.

MUSEUM OF DALE: Miller High Life Cardboard Box

Dale remembers a time when beer boxes were made to last. Cardboard was reinforced with wax and metal to create a material that could easily rival teflon for impenetrability. Dale would like you to stop fumbling through your fanny pack and consider why you would trust your drink in anything other than ‘this puppy.’

Dale’s own handwriting dates this particular box to at least February 11th, 1983. It was during this time that he was heavily involved in brewing his own special formula beer in a hallway closet. He would ferment the formula in 6.5 gallon plastic buckets and bottle the results, keeping them in repurposed boxes such as this one. Though he later resigned, there is still a sparkle in his eye when he talks about what could have become Hurley’s Higher Life.

PAST CLASSICS: Time Marches Still, 1997

Dale did this sketch about 13 years ago on our basement chalkboard. It remains in tact to this day as a reminder that although computers appear to be complicated, they are nothing Dale can’t handle. In the 70’s, Dale enrolled in his first computer processing class. His father-in-law ridiculed him for wasting his time with something that “definitely wouldn’t last.” In a few year’s time, Dale had an early personal home computer that would enable him to manipulate arrow keys to control a large mouse chasing its tail. It was considered ‘really slick’ by everyone who saw it. Computers quickly became a household staple. In 1997, Dale helped Kyle and I build our own personal computers, which we promptly filled with ‘desktop themes’ that played noises when you scrolled over the ‘My Computer’ and ‘Recycle Bin’ icons. Today, computers have become so advanced that Dale can record football games onto the same ‘C drive’ he diagramed on this chalkboard so many years prior. It is almost impossible to imagine where we can go from here.

Team HR Presents: ‘According To Dale’

Dale just found out you left his hammer outside overnight. How many times has he told you that the morning condensation will rust the metal? As Dale’s neighbor, he wants you to know that even though he’s way past his ham radio ‘phase,’ he is still keeping the 30 foot antennae eye-sore attached to his chimney. Dale saw Avatar and thought it was pretty weak. Dale thought that the ‘time travel movie with Nicolas Cage,’ however, was pretty strong.

Team HR Presents: ‘According To Dale’

Dale has only ever eaten Cheerios for breakfast. He hopes you know that there are only two ways to do something: his way or the way he tells you to do it. Dale once commanded such a low price on a Chrysler mini-van that he made the car salesman cry. Dale has two words for you: not interested. Dale will listen to your 3 hour Florida time-share pitch in order to acquire the complimentary gift, but he regrets to inform you that he is not interested in a unit. Dale is only interested in slow growth stocks, he is not interested in your get rich quick scheme.